Patience??

What have I learned over the past several months?  Patience.  I think that's what I have learned, my husband and kids may think otherwise.  Clearly I haven't mastered it yet.

I think that I have learned to be patient with my self.  I am in general, very hard on myself.  I expect a great deal from me (which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing) but sometimes I also need to practice grace and patience with me.  Life is hard, sometimes it down right sucks.  I have a quote on my wall that says
"Everyday may not be a good day but there is something good in every day"

I try to live by that and I am trying even harder these days to live by that.

I have had a hard year, things I don't talk about to the outside world but it's true.  I may not have been struggling with the same things as other people but everyone has their own journey and I felt mine was a hard one.  I have to remember that what I feel is allowed to happen.  Just because some else might not get it, I have to know that the feelings I am having are mine and I have to own them.

So my hard year required a lot of patience, self love, understanding and time outs!  A lot of other things too but those are the main points.  I had to work out that some of the things that were happening or that happened weren't my fault and aren't things I can fix.

Sadly I am a fixer too, that is a huge problem when the things that I want to fix already happened.  You can't go back and fix them.  If it warrants it you can go and make things right but once it's happened, it's over.
I struggle deeply with this fact.  I relive, rehash and stress about so many things that can't and won't change.

Things that are added to the pile of "she's working on it".

I think I lost my train of thought here.

I don't know where I was going at the beginning of this post but maybe, just maybe it was a little note about how far I feel I have come in the past several months when last year at this time I couldn't see through the fog to a better place.

I don't know where this blog is going considering I am just writing about 4 months off but I think I might just continue to write about life when it happens and see where it goes.

Thanks for hanging on.

Dissappointments

We all get disappointed, it happens.  You make a plan and sometimes it doesn't work out.  This year has been a whole lot of making plans and them not working out for a myriad of different reasons.

So when once again my plans for Mother's day got thwarted by an activity I was bummed, it just took me over the edge of disappointed and for several hours I couldn't get back.  

I had made an initial Mother's day plan when Rhys's hockey team had games in Moncton, plan made.  Then Liam ended up having a football on Mother's Day in Fredericton, so we made a new plan.  Then we changed he plan yet again just to avoid rushing on Mother's day.  By the time Saturday came and our new Mother's Day plans were being threatened by a first practice with a new team, I was done.  So Saturday night, I sulked.  I sulked for all the times we had to change plans that I really wanted to do for health, money or a conflict.  It was just too much.

So when Mother's day actually came, I was expecting not a great day.  Well it turned out to be a perfect day!

I woke up and was told to stay in bed for another 1/2 hr and hang out with my sons.  Then I was invited downstairs to have a breakfast that them and their father prepared for me.  I got to open very thoughtful presents and sit in my new lawn chair with the massager and have my boys sing and dance while we waiting for breakfast to be ready. 

We had a nice breakfast and then Joel and Rhys headed to Moncton.  Liam and I got ready and picked up my mother and headed to Oromocto.  Liam had to be at the field an hour early so my mom and I went to the Sour Grape in Oromocto, had a coffee and treat.  Then we watched Liam's team play against a very strong Saint John team.  It was sunny and the boys gave a valiant effort.

We grabbed lunch at the Northside Market, delicious food from PJ's Wing and Things and Street Greek and headed to my mom's to eat.

After lunch, Liam and I went home and he headed out to play with friends while I sat on the couch and watched a Hallmark movie!

Joel and Rhys picked up pizza on their way home and we all ate pizza and watched another movie.  

Joel and I rounded out the night with the last quarter of a very exciting Toronto Rapter's game!

It turned out to be a really great day, doing things I love with the people I love and truly that is what matters.

While I know it's ok to be disappointed, I also know it's ok to be allowed to feel disappointed.

AND sometimes thwarted plans turn out to be great days!

I hope everyone had a great weekend or at least some great moments during your weekend!

Grumpy days

Good Morning, 

The sun is finally shining again and there isn't a snow flake falling anywhere!  We have had winter since October and oh my goodness it's been long enough.

I don't know about you but this last bit of snow we got had me losing it.  I was not pleased that it was coming but wow I was so grumpy on Tuesday that it took over my whole day.  I could not shake it; I yelled at the kids before school, and spent the rest of the day still angry it was snowing and that spring was refusing to make an appearance.  It was just one of those days where nothing is going to make you happy!  So I decided to just own it, I did things that needed to get done but I did it like grumpy smurf!  I had moments where I rallied to be civil but not really up to the usual happy.  Do you ever have those days?  Sometimes it's not one specific thing but I just have grumpy days.  However, this time it was snow!!!

When I went to bed on Tuesday night, early of course because grumpy smurf needed to go to bed!  As I laid there I thought to myself, today was a bummer of a day but tomorrow is a new day and you get to choose a new perspective.  Wednesday morning, I woke up...not happy but not grumpy.  So that was progress.  I then decided even though it was still snowing, I was going to be a person today.  I had to make the decision to make it a good day and some days that's hard.  The past year has been rough so making those decisions have been the best thing I can do.

Wednesday was a better day and I ended up being a happier person because of it.

Now today, the sunshine and warmer temps will help immensely.  I find spring to be one of my favourite seasons.  Truthfully I do love all the seasons just sometimes that winter season lasts WAY TOO LONG!

I find spring just makes everyone a little happier, the snow starts to melt, people come out of their homes, we get to see our neighbours and we see people out on the streets.  I makes my heart happy when I see this happen, so spring makes my heart happy and I look forward to it making a full appearance in the coming months!

So if you have a grumpy day, that's ok.  Own it, live it and then try again the next day!

Happy sunshine! 

Grateful

Grateful...

It's a word we use so often and contains so much meaning but some days it's downright hard to teach or practice.

The whole life shift process has been a hard one for me.

It's taken it's toll on me and probably my family.  My safe place to lash out, freak out, cry, pout, and do all those things you don't do in public.  I did my very best to keep the wreckage minimal.
All that to say I am grateful for it.

I am grateful I was able to make the choice to make a life shift, most people don't do that or don't get to or even want to.  I knew I needed one and with the support of my family and especially Joel I was able to do it.  It has been a very long process, much longer than I anticipated and has taken me much longer to recover from.  I didn't know it would take such a toll, I was surprised and very upset by it.
I have spent a lot time of time thinking.  Thinking what I am grateful for, what I am sad for, what I am happy for, what I am excited for, what I am scared for.  So much thinking!

But the truth is, it all helped me.  All the ups, downs, sideways and upside downs helped me to get here.  The other side and I can see that I needed it.  I needed to let it all go and appreciate life.

To appreciate my life, the one I am so grateful to have.  The world is a messing, scary, wonderful place and it's our job to make the it amazing.

So I look forward to doing my very best at making it amazing.

Here we go again!

I had another blog and someday I might go back to it but this time I have some different thoughts, I figured that deserved a different blog.

Things change all the time.  I know they change for everyone, I know I am not special but this blog is going to be about the change that is happening in my world.

I am hoping it will help me and perhaps make a few people laugh and maybe help to know the struggle is real for everyone!

My family has had a business in our city for the last 73 years, my grandfather started it and my dad took it over with his brothers and built a wonderful business.  My cousin and I bought it in 2012 and did a good job at running but made the decision to shut it down.  The industry has changed and we both simply did not have the desire to continue it on.

The guilt I have is insane, I have worked there for most of my adult life and then ran it for the last 5 1/2 years.  And yes I am letting it go.  I am taking down a legacy.  My hope is that we have managed to do this in the best possible way, we have maintained the good name of our family and simply closed down a business.

I have either worked for my dad or myself for the past 13 years.  Basically without a job title and just a Jill of all trades.  Doing whatever was necessary.

So now I have to go back out into the work place and try to figure out what a job on the outside looks like.  I am terrified that I won't be any good, that I won't find a job or that I won't like working for someone else.

Who knows what this next chapter will bring but let the adventure begin!