Patience??

What have I learned over the past several months?  Patience.  I think that's what I have learned, my husband and kids may think otherwise.  Clearly I haven't mastered it yet.

I think that I have learned to be patient with my self.  I am in general, very hard on myself.  I expect a great deal from me (which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing) but sometimes I also need to practice grace and patience with me.  Life is hard, sometimes it down right sucks.  I have a quote on my wall that says
"Everyday may not be a good day but there is something good in every day"

I try to live by that and I am trying even harder these days to live by that.

I have had a hard year, things I don't talk about to the outside world but it's true.  I may not have been struggling with the same things as other people but everyone has their own journey and I felt mine was a hard one.  I have to remember that what I feel is allowed to happen.  Just because some else might not get it, I have to know that the feelings I am having are mine and I have to own them.

So my hard year required a lot of patience, self love, understanding and time outs!  A lot of other things too but those are the main points.  I had to work out that some of the things that were happening or that happened weren't my fault and aren't things I can fix.

Sadly I am a fixer too, that is a huge problem when the things that I want to fix already happened.  You can't go back and fix them.  If it warrants it you can go and make things right but once it's happened, it's over.
I struggle deeply with this fact.  I relive, rehash and stress about so many things that can't and won't change.

Things that are added to the pile of "she's working on it".

I think I lost my train of thought here.

I don't know where I was going at the beginning of this post but maybe, just maybe it was a little note about how far I feel I have come in the past several months when last year at this time I couldn't see through the fog to a better place.

I don't know where this blog is going considering I am just writing about 4 months off but I think I might just continue to write about life when it happens and see where it goes.

Thanks for hanging on.

Dissappointments

We all get disappointed, it happens.  You make a plan and sometimes it doesn't work out.  This year has been a whole lot of making plans and them not working out for a myriad of different reasons.

So when once again my plans for Mother's day got thwarted by an activity I was bummed, it just took me over the edge of disappointed and for several hours I couldn't get back.  

I had made an initial Mother's day plan when Rhys's hockey team had games in Moncton, plan made.  Then Liam ended up having a football on Mother's Day in Fredericton, so we made a new plan.  Then we changed he plan yet again just to avoid rushing on Mother's day.  By the time Saturday came and our new Mother's Day plans were being threatened by a first practice with a new team, I was done.  So Saturday night, I sulked.  I sulked for all the times we had to change plans that I really wanted to do for health, money or a conflict.  It was just too much.

So when Mother's day actually came, I was expecting not a great day.  Well it turned out to be a perfect day!

I woke up and was told to stay in bed for another 1/2 hr and hang out with my sons.  Then I was invited downstairs to have a breakfast that them and their father prepared for me.  I got to open very thoughtful presents and sit in my new lawn chair with the massager and have my boys sing and dance while we waiting for breakfast to be ready. 

We had a nice breakfast and then Joel and Rhys headed to Moncton.  Liam and I got ready and picked up my mother and headed to Oromocto.  Liam had to be at the field an hour early so my mom and I went to the Sour Grape in Oromocto, had a coffee and treat.  Then we watched Liam's team play against a very strong Saint John team.  It was sunny and the boys gave a valiant effort.

We grabbed lunch at the Northside Market, delicious food from PJ's Wing and Things and Street Greek and headed to my mom's to eat.

After lunch, Liam and I went home and he headed out to play with friends while I sat on the couch and watched a Hallmark movie!

Joel and Rhys picked up pizza on their way home and we all ate pizza and watched another movie.  

Joel and I rounded out the night with the last quarter of a very exciting Toronto Rapter's game!

It turned out to be a really great day, doing things I love with the people I love and truly that is what matters.

While I know it's ok to be disappointed, I also know it's ok to be allowed to feel disappointed.

AND sometimes thwarted plans turn out to be great days!

I hope everyone had a great weekend or at least some great moments during your weekend!

What's next?

Since this is really something that I decided to do for me and I don't know how many people are going to read it, I think that it's just going to be sort of an online journal of what is going on in my world and in my mind.  Which I will say is sometimes a scary place!

What's next is the question of the hour.  I have been working full time since I graduated university, which is the case for most.  I worked a couple of different jobs before I went to work for my dad at his plumbing and heating shop, 14 years ago.  I worked there for many many years and almost 7 years ago bought it from him with my cousin.  My heart wasn't ever in it, I wasn't a plumbing, electrician, hvac tech or anything else by trade so a lot of time I was lost.  I looked after all of the aspects of the business that didn't directly involve those things.  It was a lot of managing people and personalities.  It's a different sort of place and story to work in a family owned business with family members that you wouldn't normally have a lot of involvement with.  It's a different dynamic and it's challenging. 

We had a few issues all come down at once and I realized that I really didn't want to keep doing this for the next 25 years.  My business partner and I decided it was best to close it down rather than try to sell it.  It was the best decision for us in the moment.  I don't regret that; it was hard, stressful and I am very glad it's done.

The guilt I felt was rough, slowly over the last 8 /9 months I have realized that it's not my responsibility to keep doing something I did not enjoy and that was causing me physical and mental problems for others.  For others legacy, employment, service or anything.  I had to look after me because when it comes right down to it, no one else could make the decision for me.

I am very happy with my decision and now it leaves me with ,  What's next?

I have decided since the company just officially closed in March that I need to take a few months to just be.  To just be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a friend to me! I am looking forward to a few months of enjoying life.  It's a strange place to be in though.  I am still trying to find my groove.

I am hoping as the months grow warmer and the sun shines a little more, I will find that groove and maybe just maybe find myself again.

I am especially excited to find her.

So maybe you want to come with me on this journal?  Welcome aboard!

Here we go again!

I had another blog and someday I might go back to it but this time I have some different thoughts, I figured that deserved a different blog.

Things change all the time.  I know they change for everyone, I know I am not special but this blog is going to be about the change that is happening in my world.

I am hoping it will help me and perhaps make a few people laugh and maybe help to know the struggle is real for everyone!

My family has had a business in our city for the last 73 years, my grandfather started it and my dad took it over with his brothers and built a wonderful business.  My cousin and I bought it in 2012 and did a good job at running but made the decision to shut it down.  The industry has changed and we both simply did not have the desire to continue it on.

The guilt I have is insane, I have worked there for most of my adult life and then ran it for the last 5 1/2 years.  And yes I am letting it go.  I am taking down a legacy.  My hope is that we have managed to do this in the best possible way, we have maintained the good name of our family and simply closed down a business.

I have either worked for my dad or myself for the past 13 years.  Basically without a job title and just a Jill of all trades.  Doing whatever was necessary.

So now I have to go back out into the work place and try to figure out what a job on the outside looks like.  I am terrified that I won't be any good, that I won't find a job or that I won't like working for someone else.

Who knows what this next chapter will bring but let the adventure begin!